Author: jnsadmin

Paradigm

Serendipity

Epiphany

Inclusion

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Carl Jung: “What is the next right thing?”

Be kind, don’t hurt living things,

Be comfortable in silence

“When we treat our internal ‘bad guys’ with respect, we get the data they are carrying without acting out the drama they are craving. That internal respect naturally flows outward because you are no longer projecting your own shadow onto everyone else.”

I came across a study by Ding Li about smiling:  ‘When our smiling muscles contract, they fire a signal back to the brain, stimulating our reward system, and further increasing our level of happy hormones, or endorphins. In short, when our brain feels happy, we smile; when we smile, our brain feels happier. Fake it till you make it!’

There is power in a smile. you smile at someone, they smile back. Boom – a connection!

woke up this  morning feeling so grateful for my family

Tom, Carter, Patrick, Alina. I can not even begin to write how much joy and love they have brought me. My little village. I am so lucky.

Carter is an amazing daughter, mother, friend.  In spite of rocky teenage years, our relationship now is unbelievably strong.

Patrick is the man I would have ordered for her and our family if I could.

Tom – all those years I was not sure we would make it—- well, he has demonstrated love, strength, kindness. I could not have gotten through my femur, my pneumonia without him. He never once complained.  He says “this is what I signed up for’…. well – no , but I am grateful.

And, Alina – what a wonderful, sweet, kind, smart, beautiful person she is.

Best thing we ever did was to follow Carter and Patrick out to GJ.

 

 

My blog started off as a way to work through friendship issues. In many ways it still is. I work through hurtful friendships, I work through the meaning of friendship and how to be a good friend. But – now I am expanding, It has become more and more important to work through current issues  – maybe not so much related to friendship; more related to how I want to exist in this world.

Tikkun Olam . I have an entire post dedicated to Tikkun Olam. Repair of the World. Here’s a reminder: The Mishnah teaches that each person is an entire world. Any tikkun made in that world reverberates through all the rest of the world. Each tikkun has the potential to change everything. Make a difference

Giving back

Start Anywhere

Inclusion vs Exclusion

And, of course MLK

 

My new mantra – why not??  Give me a reason – why not I ask.

We travelled east in November for my niece’s wedding, and also to visit my Aunt and cousin, and  visit with Tom’s mom. Julia’s wedding was beautiful. Probably around 200 people.

Directly after the wedding we drove to DC to see my aunt and cousin. Then the Shit hit the fan. Immediately Cindy asked about the wedding. We told her it was beautiful. She asked how many people we told her about 200. She went ballistic. She said something like – ‘.. and she couldn’t invite me??’ Tom and I were dumfounded. Why wasn’t she invited? Why wasn’t she included? Of course this caused a huge row with my sister – who proceeded to tell me that basically  only friends of Julia’s and Garrett’s were invited. NOT TRUE. Many of her and David’s friends were there;  including friends from Philly, friends from trips, friends from New Rochelle.

Then Pat played her usual poor me card. She said we were gossiping about her. She said this was  her daughter’s wedding.  I  had ‘wronged’ her? SHe said she would never have wanted to hurt Cindy. Whoa – did you not think about your actions? Did you really think you were being persecuted?  Did you learn nothing from the Nancy Sherl incident at your wedding? And David—- where was your ‘voice of reason’? I walk on eggs around my sister. Would it have been so crazy for them to invite Cindy? Would it have been so crazy to tell me on our way out that she did not invite Cindy. Then we might have been able to shut it down as soon as Cindy started asking.  Instead Pat got all bent out of shape. Cindy was incredibly hurt. It was an unfortunate incident that did not need to play out the way it did.

So – WHY NOT?? Give me a reason! Practice Inclusion.

You got to give what you take.

 

2025 was a very bad year.

Here is Bette Midler saying what I have been thinking all year:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2025 – the year it became acceptable to diminish people, name call, spew hatred, lie, be a racist.

2025 – the year we elected a 3 time felon for president, who should really be in jail.

2025 – the year we stood aside while people were clamoring for food, for survival, for dignity.

2025 – the year  we turned aside our morality for an amoral vindictive con man.

2025 – the year we let him desecrate our buildings, our art, our freedoms, our Constitution.

I will Never forget.

Lost friendship. Well, you can’t lose what you never had.

Blown away by Diane C. This woman manipulated me, blew smoke at me, instigated many conflicts. All in the guise of ‘being a friend’. She sent me notes saying how much she valued our friendship – our closeness. And yet, and YET.

I have come to realize that she was never a friend. Maybe a little insecure about life; insecure about herself and her own self worth.  This woman  put words into my mouth that completely blew me away. I wondered if we were speaking the same language. I tried to let her vent when I thought she needed to. I tried to listen to what she was saying. I tried to let her go through whatever she was going through. In the end  my words were twisted into words that were never said. Somehow she heard what she expected to hear- never what was actually said. Recently I emailed her in an attempt to  see if we might have a friendship outside of MLG.  She emailed me back blaming our breakdown on Tom and Me. So – no, we will not have a friendship.  I will let her be the drama queen. I will let her be narcissistic. I will let her be the victim. I will let her be unhappy.  I will let her be who she actually is. I will never forget.

‘Let Them’  Mel Robbins.

What if the key to peace is learning to let people do exactly what they want. Always move towards peace.

Hurt people hurt people.

Postscript – It is so much nicer at MLG without her. Everyone is happy.  There is a peace in the air. April is amazing. Tom is calm. I am not being manipulated. MLG has turned into a very warm and fun place. I am proud to work there. And excited for all the new stuff going on. It has turned into a joy. The support from the community is overwhelming. 

 

 

In my attempt to make sense of, and to cope with death and loss, I’ve been reading about the theories of entropy and energy….and thinking about our souls, our unique energy, and what happens to our energy when we die.

Here are some thoughts that I found:

theory of entropy – entropy is the basis of continuum

 According to the second law of thermodynamics the entropy of an isolated system never decreases; such a system will spontaneously evolve toward thermodynamic equilibrium,

Physical chemist Peter Atkins, for example, who previously wrote of dispersal leading to a disordered state, now writes that “spontaneous changes are always accompanied by a dispersal of energy”.[48]

In death there is variation, new beginnings, and chances are unlimited. Dynamics provide a universe that never runs out of variations, but like a fractal creates infinite numbers of the same patterns expressed differently.

And one more….

through thermodynamics, energy can not be created nor destroyed.. it can simply change states. The total amount of energy in an isolated system does not, cannot, change.

According to the law of conservation of energy, when you die not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly.

I believe that your energy will always be there, and that thought gives me great comfort.

 

3 Minutes if Brahms

I’m pretty confused , hurt – and now angry.. Marcia. How could you be visiting out here – less than a mile away,

and   NOT. EVEN. A. PHONECALL. Or a quick visit??

This is the second time.

I know I’m not supposed to take things personally, but this one is hard.

Practice inclusion not exclusion.

I don’t think I love you anymore.

I wrote this in an earlier post – but, I think it is important to write it again:

the theory of compartmentalization of decay. When trees get an injury the cells around the wound change and put up a wall that contains the process of decay. Around that wall, a different kind of change in the cells  forms another wall. and so on, and so on…. The protective walls allowed the growth of wood to continue around the injury, even as it turned hollow.

How to start.  I fell apart in so many ways. For at least the past 5 years I have been mistreating my body. Eating crap. Munching down supplements, and thinking I was taking care of myself. What a joke .

I have heard that theres a force – God? not ,sure but, i think—- first tends to shake you. Then with no response, maybe the shaking becomes more. Maybe even a smack, a slap or two. Well – I got punched.   Got the flu, got pneumonia. Wound up again in the hospital with low oxygen levels. Now I’m home. Working on my oxygen levels. But – most importantly working on me. This was a huge wake up call. I am re-reexamining all aspects of my life. In particular I am now eating healthy. No more chips, fried foods, bad snacks. This is huge for me. I am paying attention to my body. I am starting to take better care of myself.  In solid nutrition. Also working on what’s important to me. I may not have that much longer to live – there are no guarantees. I want to be there for people I love .

And Tom – what he has done to take care of me. I could not continue to live like this without him.  And Carter, Patrick, Alina. I am thankful they are here.

I sacrificed myself for Anita. I knew I was getting sick too. I didn’t know what to do. So, I took care of her until I got bakc to GJ. Then I fell apart.

Listening – to me, to people I love, to my body. To music. What’s important now. Where do I go from here? I am thankful I am getting another chance. Someone is watching out for me…mom? something higher that I don’t quite understand.

 

Be Impeccable with your Word

Don’t take Anything Personally

Don’t make Assumptions

Always do your Best

It hit me this morning. I’m always just a moment away from depression. Not major depression – just a hint; on the borderline. I’m certainly not sunshine.

Maybe waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Maybe thinking the worst first.

Maybe missing people too much.

Maybe playing shoulda/woulda/coulda’s.

Maybe judging myself too harshly.

Maybe rehashing the bad stuff,  rather than relishing the good stuff.

I run Dark.

Donna Ashworth

 

….David Foster Wallace…

It’s been awhile.

the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see .

Since moving to GJ, I have made some momentous decisions, changes, and adopted some new philosophies. Much of what I’ve changed in my life is a direct reflection from some  pain, and my thoughts about living my  best life.

Life on this planet is short.

I  want to be a good, kind person.

I want to live a compassionate life.

I will practice inclusivity not exclusivity.

I will celebrate people.

I will be more aware of my choices.

I am part of a village.

“This is water”   – David Foster Wallace – The Conscious Awareness of Others

….. Yogi Berra

I turned 70 yesterday. This has been  without a doubt, the most challenging year in my life so far. But  I agree with  the great Yogi Berra, so it really  doesn’t matter which way you go – just keep going.

What a journey.  My life has certainly changed.   I tried many different paths in my early years. But, I don’t think I really became ‘Me’ until I moved to Boulder.. I remember when I found Boulder and  felt that Boulder would forever be my fit. In so many ways, I really grew up in Boulder. It became my place, my soul, my home. I loved being part of  the ‘Republic of Boulder’.  But,  the fit started to unravel. I found that I stopped taking part in Boulder. I became complacent and boring. Boulder now belonged to the Beryl Teischman’s  of the world.

And so, I take another fork.

Who knows how long I have left on this planet. I am still hoping for 20  more GOOD years.  So far – it’s been a  challenge. Life has thrown me many curve balls this year.  I am trying to continue to move forward. Although the backward steps have knocked me down somewhat.

Let these next years bring strength and a new happiness to me. Let my 70’s be filled with new experiences, new strengths, new friends, new wonder, even new crazys.  Let me have a good time left.

 

 

 

 

here’s the start…

Darkness Darkness

Both Sides Now

I Won’t Back Down

Touch of Grey

The Dance

Freedom

Everybody knows this is Nowhere

The Heart of the Matter

100 years

Reading and binge watching.

In an instant so much can change. Now, how to deal with this trauma .  I will have a New Normal.

Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation
that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and isolated can result in trauma, even if it
doesn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective circumstances that determine
whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the
event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be
traumatized.

Numerous books on Alternate Realities….. Quantum Physics:

Book of 2 Ways, Wish You Were Here, With or Without You, Midnight Library

 

Moved out to Grand Junction. The first 2 weeks were great. I fell in love with my new home.

Then catastrophe happened. I fell out of our moving truck. Broke my femur. A nightmare began.  If only I could recall those 5 minutes of careless thinking.

Hospital – dark dark dark.  Recovering now for 2 + months. Still no weight on my leg.  Trying to build bone. Hopefully I will be able to start the long process of recovery soon. My dreams have been dashed. My emotions are out of control. I find myself in deep despair most days. Wondering what if, what will my next day(s) look like?  Will I ever be whole again?

I am an invalid.

Dark, depressed. Despair.

 

 

You Got this

Packing up my home – and getting ready for a new chapter in my life in GJ. I’m overwhelmed. Twice so far she popped up on my phone from my contacts – for no reason – out of the blue.  She has been gone for about 2 years…..yet – there she was. Telling me she was there for me , watching out for me. I love you Mom. I know you’re always watching out for me somewhere.

We put our house on the market.

STRESSED, STRESSED,STRESSED. Within 2 days we got 4 offers – with one of them being a very nice price. Unfortunately the buyer did change the offer; lowered by $35k (!)  due to a sewer issue.   I felt strongly that I did not want to negotiate their new offer… although it did really seem excessive.  Good news is  that they are letting us stay there for 60 days after closing, AND they sent us a most amazing letter.  I have poured my heart and soul into this house and they got me. They loved the house, They will cherish it as much as I do. I feel like I am dreaming. But – I am convinced that once again Mom orchestrated this for me. I am never alone – she is always there. Her love remains strong, steadfast, and unconditional.  I am blessed.

the love letter:

 

 

During this Pandemic I have somehow been drawn to read these books that are about Wild Strong Women. Is the Universe trying to tell me something?

City of Girls

In An Instant – Finn

The Signature of  All things – Alma

When We were Mermaids – Kit and Josie

The Four Winds – Elsa and Loreda

the theory of compartmentalization of decay. When tress get an injury the cells around the wound change and put up a wall that contains the process of decay. Around that wall, a different kind of change in the cells  forms another wall. and so on, and so on…. The protective walls allowed the growth of wood to continue around the injury, even as it turned hollow.

Living and surviving through one of the darkest times in American History – the great depression, the  mid west dust bowls. Keeping a family afloat . The winds are a brutal powerful force of nature.  “Eerily timely as it highlights the ways women rally during a national crisis.” Strength and resilience of women.

My blog has become so much more than examining friendship. As a result, today I’m thinking about changes. Some of my major changes:

Moving to Boulder. Meeting Diane.  Getting certified in computer programming – and then meeting Margaret. My beautiful and complicated Carter. Getting a job at IBM and meeting Tom.  My Mother. Finding the love and soul of a dog : Penny.   And, now starting a new chapter building our dream forever home in  Grand Junction.

Darwin’s natural selection.  Beautiful ramifications of change.

The Signature of All Things    Elizabeth Gilbert

Divine time, geological time, human time, moss time.

Super celestial thought… subterranean conduct.

 

 

The nightmare of the last four years culminating with the horrifying events of January 6th 2020 are over……. (1/13 – wellllll almost )

The dark curtain is lifting and a new day is dawning. A time of peace, light, healing. There is so much to mend, and so much work that needs to be done. But, I am hopeful at long last that we can all begin the process of treating each other with kindness and respect.

A new term for me : trump –  a noun synonymous with viciousness, vileness, ugliness, lies , ( and that would be including Nol).   I will never knowingly buy or support anyone who has supported him – including my pillow and goya products. I will never understand or want to be around  anyone who voices any support for him .

I hope never to hear or have to see him again, or have to see his ugly family again either.  Realistically, I know that they will all continue to be in the news, but I really pray that their power and obscenities will begin to fade away into their darkness. Name calling days are over.

Now – I can breathe again. It is time to move towards freedom and goodness. Time to start healing from the horrible last four years. The worst years of my life.

When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.    —– Dr.Seuss

 

 

this has been a really wonderful week. We got our country back. Donald Trump was defeated. True to form he continues to call out people, bullying, calling names and being so totally offensive that it is hard to sit by and just trust in the democratic process. But – I will. And we will move forward.  This is a beautiful time of regrowth, truth, kindness, healing.   I know it will be  hard to wipe out the devastating damage that was done in these last 4 years. But – I am looking forward so eagerly and so joyfully . It will be great to have a President  and first family that have some class and dignity, and can take us back to an era that seemed so lost and hopeless just a month ago.

I wrote about Repairing the World in an earlier post. It pertains to our beautiful country.  Tikkun Olam

You can Chose your friends, but you can’t chose your family

I  am amazed that Tom’s family is upset about the election.  I had hoped that they would have seen Trump for his divisiveness, his lies, his  lack of morals and values. But, they are more concerned about their money than they are about kindness, healing, empathy. They are angry, little people only concerned with themselves and their small world. I have always known that Nan was  bigoted, and an ugly racist, however Janice shocks me.  She talks about socialism and how “scared” she is of socialist policies. But, I don’t think she really knows what she is saying.  They are words she has heard Nan spout off.  Of course they love their social security and Medicare….”but that is not socialism”….hmmmm – then what is it??  I thought she was better than that. I had hoped that she was good.  NOT SO.  And….. Abigail  – sorry for you …. wtf – the only time she has ever acknowledged me on FB – and it is her little ‘angry’ icon. Abd it appears that she learned her stupidity from her mother – who thinks this is “Epic Entertainment”.  What is wrong with these people?!

Moving Forward

The last 4 years have taken it’s toll of everyone. For some of us it made us so sad and so unsure of ourselves and our goodness. But we did not lose our moral compass. We just needed to bring those years to this golden conclusion. One thing that has come out of those horrendous years is that it is  now crystal clear to me who are the  people that I want in my life now and moving forward.  I will never EVER understand how people could think that   DJT  could be the head of our Nation. And I don’t know how they could have voted for him yet again after they saw the type of person he proved himself to be again and again. However, that is their unfortunate choice.  I just feel sorry for them.  But, it is the people who still spew their vitriol and continue to be so ugly and hateful and angry, and don’t want a healing process after the outcome of this election…. these are the people that I honestly can’t have in my life any longer.

This is also kind of a closed chapter with Nol. Her bullying tactics and ugliness that  I have equated with DJT, are over too.

Looking up this morning while taking a shower, I saw in the skylight window a perfectly placed feather. It was absolutely centered, and even placed as you would frame a painting with more weight on the bottom 3rd. I know my Mother, and her sensibilities about framing and displaying art were impeccable. This was her sign to me. After my shower I ran to get my camera. The feather had already started drifting, and was not so perfectly placed.  What are the chances that I would happen to look up at exactly the time that the feather was displayed so perfectly??  As i continued to watch the feather it just blew away.

I have been thinking a lot lately of my mother, and missing her terribly.  Sometimes I just can’t believe that she is gone. Thank-you so much mom for sending me this sign and letting me know that you are still there for me, still watching out for me, and still caring. It is hard not to have her in my physical life any longer. But – she sends me these signs. I see her in the clouds. I see her in the ‘glorious flowers’.  I am still opening up books that she sent to me with her loving handwritten notes to me.

I would so love to call her and talk with her. She knows me better than just about anyone. She is still there. I feel her presence.

“Feathers appear when Angels are near”

 

this is a difficult post to write, I have really mixed feelings – but , my blog is my place  where I can work these feelings out. So here goes….

I started playing  duplicate Bridge with a woman who fast became my special person (G). We took classes together, learned together,  played together, shared life stories. We developed a very strong bond. And everyone knew of our partnership. It was fun to win with her, and we commiserated together when we lost. We spent hours working through hands together.

During this pandemic, another woman who had been my partner’s friend for many years, needed a new partner. Slowly I watched G start playing with her on days that  we were not playing. THey became very  very good together. To the point where  they were usually winning every game that they played together.  Of course they were happy and wanted to play more together to optimize their new partnership.

Many times I get notices about how well they’ve done together, and see congratulation notes about them. I’m on the sidelines  – wishing them well, but feeling  dejected.  I am happy for G, yet very sad to lose our bond that we had for a number of years.  It is bittersweet. G and I still play a couple of games together, but it’s not the same. I have lost my special person , my ‘partner in crime’.  I miss Our connection.

Working it through.

I am obsessed with Hamilton.  I spent the $7 to get Disney +.  Already I have watched it 3 times, and plan on more.

Hamilton; a Metaphor for life

It’s uncanny to me that a book, a piece of music, a movie, a person can come into your life at the exact moment that you need it to. Hamilton has done that for me.   It’s a  meditation on death and what’s left behind. The ticking clock of mortality and leaving a legacy.  Maybe there is a fine line between good and evil. And that line gets crossed multiple times in your lifetime.

Layers and Complexity

Aside from all that,  it is dazzling and completely entertaining.  It knocks it out of the park. I have never seen a show that encompasses all this. The soundtrack, the choreography….  I keep learning more and more every time I watch it. There are so many layers, and I am amazed at the complexity of this show. For example  today I just read about the foreshadowing of “the Bullet”.  And the musicality – omg!  Each song in this show is a theater onto itself. Am I gushing yet??? Breathtaking lines – like in “Satisfied”, Songs so amazingly and beautifully sung like “Helpless”.  And amidst  all this brilliance there is a major lesson on American History; which made me delve into the times of Alexander Hamilton, his contemporaries, and the real birth of our Nation.

In many ways I find myself relating to  Aaron Burr.   A smart, good man who just wanted more…who watched a scruffy upstart surpass him. It seemed to be more  than he could bear.  I love his advice to Hamilton… Talk Less – Smile More. He narrates the tale of Hamilton –  I felt his frustration dramatically mount as he tried to fulfill and write his own legacy.  As he said – he is remembered not for his mind, his intelligence , – but – as a power seeking villain who is forever infamous for his one very horrible deed… a deed that almost seemed to have been predestined from his first meeting with Hamilton. He is the very fine line between good and evil.

 

For Good

How to get through this….In the blink of an eye, the state of things as they exist have forever changed. I need to surround myself with beauty, music, art, friends. Diversions, inspirations, hope, kindness, new meanings.

H=R/E

Happiness = Reality/Expectations

To increase your happiness either increase your reality, or lower your expectations.

Real life scenario: H=4/8…. if I raise my reality to an 8 – let’s say by moving to a place where I would love to be, getting more people in my life, working out more, etc, etc… then my happiness score is now 8/8. Much better.

On the other hand – if I don’t change my reality but now I lower my expectations to a 4 then my score is now 4/4. Better again.

• 

 

 

As I just reread this post, I don’t want to do an injustice to another great dog of ours….Pepper. Pepper was very different from Penny. We were Pepper’s pack. Pepper just wanted to be with us at all times. She didn’t love the outdoors, she didn’t love running around with other dogs….she just loved us.

Our Bubba-Dog:

 

Some words when spoken can’t be taken back. Words can sting, words can hurt. Words are remembered long after they are spoken.

The 2 most powerful phrases – I’m sorry and Thank-you.

There are somethings that can never be put back the way they were….. like that little box of tissues. They come out easily,  intertwined with the next one. But it is impossible to put them back the same way.

Looking back through past generations, I sometimes think how old fashioned they were. And, it’s kind of funny because I know that they probably felt they were so modern just as we do now. Times change so rapidly. What’s new becomes old and out of touch so quickly. What seemed so radical at the time,  now looking back seems so

the really big invention in my lifetime so far was the internet. I remember my husband coming into my office at IBM with these diskettes that he said had the ‘internet on them’ – that old black spider crawler. How funny. . I thought he was crazy – and thought why do I need all this useless information…

things that have become outdated or radically changed in my lifetime so far:   encyclopedias for information, dressing up for travel – flying – pan am, black and white tv and the different sizes of tv – remember those huge heavy clunky tv’s, phone service and long distance, segregation and busing, maps, computers, cameras, gps, INTERNET, cell phones

 

 

 

My mom passed away on July 15, 2019.

She suffered a stroke on July 7th,  while we were taking her out to dinner. On the way to the restaurant she was in great spirits – remarking how ‘glorious’ the flowers were. She had no problem getting into the car. We got to the restaurant (right around the corner) – and she could not get out of the car. I kept telling her how to move her legs – trying to get her to get out of the car and into her wheelchair. Eventually we got her into the restaurant and things went from bad to worse. She was totally slumped over – and could not talk or move. It became very obvious that something was terribly wrong. She had suffered a stroke. I called hospice and we got her out of the restaurant . But first – because we were in major denial – I had to order her a salmon dinner. We had the restaurant pack up our meals and waited for hospice. Danielle came within 10 minutes. We could not get Mom back into the car. She could not move on her own. We called 911 – immediately the ambulance and fire trucks came. They were going to take her to the hospital. We told them absolutely not…they made a call – and said that they would help us get mom back to the Carillon. Hospice kicked in right away – ordering a hospital bed – and getting mom situated. I set up 24/7 care for her. Mom still could not talk , and she was exhausted.  After about 2 hours I left.  Came back the following morning – and it was obvious that this was the ‘big’one that the doctors had told us was coming. Mom was conscious, and kind of knew what was going on – but – it became clear that her 9 lives had run out. She died a week later.  I  told mom as I held her hand that week – that ‘we got this’… and that she was there for my first breath, and I would be there for her for her last breath. I was able to honor that promise. THere is  much more to this story and the week from 7/7/- 7/15….but – I want to talk about Mom…..

My Mother

So brave – moving out of NY after over 80 years – leaving her friends, family to come out here to unknown territory. SCS had asked her to be out for her birthday – and mom made that happen. We were blessed to have her here for 3 plus years.

Mom’s love of fine things in life; art, going to Museums, pinging crystal together, theater, critical thinking, education and life long learning. Reading The New York Times, always sharing thoughts and articles….She inspired and encouraged me to follow my passions and find my way. I am still finding her notes in art books that we loved and shared together. Just today I found her note to me in the Matisse Jazz book that she and I both loved. Mom liked this quote in the book “When I have arranged a bouquet in order to paint it, I go around to the side that I have not looked at.”

She was So proud of getting her Masters from NYU. She worked during the day and went to school at night. She graduated Magna cum laude. And in between she was our mother.

Mom’s sense of style, and grace. I remember watching her get dressed to go out with my dad – and being in awe of her beauty. She wore very little makeup. She was a natural beauty. 

My Mom was also one of the smartest people I ever knew.  I always found myself calling her to hear her perspective on events – be it my events, national events, or world events.

She knew me better than anyone else. She knew how I was doing just from hearing my voice or even seeing my face.

Mom’s love for us all was pure– and then in the last 31 years – she was so so proud of her grand kids.

Relationships are complicated – and ours was certainly no exception. But in the end it boiled down to one simple fact….. we loved each other, and we knew that.

She is my guardian angel.

She was there for my first breath and I was honored to be there for her last.

We started as one, and now you live on forever; a part of me, in my heart.

Ending with a quote from Walt Whitman :

Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you. 

Signs from my Mother and Amazing things that happened to me after Mom died. She knew how much I needed her.

Mom is there with me. My guardian angel.

Waiting for me to come the night she passed away. As soon as she knew I was in the room with her, she passed away moments later.

My breakdown – I really needed someone to talk to – I was all alone – except for Penny , and I scared her with my crying….. Mom sent Margaret to me. The phone rang within 30 mins. It was Margaret.

I saw Mom in the clouds, I felt her presence, and I felt her telling me that she was there for me; Calming me down, looking after me, and telling me that she was my guardian angel. She gave me a peace that I had not felt up to then. I knew she was there, and would always be there with me.

When I was breaking down in the car – worrying about all mom’s stuff – and how I would clear it out…..respectfully and relatively fast, an ad on the radio that I had never heard before and I have not yet heard since, came on for Caring Transitions. I made note – and ran home and spoke with them. They sounded great. Mom orchestrated that for me.

The delays, cancellation , etc at LGA for our return flight due to the major thunderstorm. Mom guided me through it. Got me to get on that agent line, and make new travel plans. The timing was perfect.

Also – when I got on the line to talk to an agent, there were 3 separate people in front of me. All of a sudden each one of them just walked away leaving me at the head of the line. I was able to work with Joshua – he worked out all the new travel plans for each of us….even as they were canceling the flight, and he was announcing that everyone should get on a different line with Delta’s customer service department…Joshua told me to hang tight – he continued to devote his time to me to get us all taken care of. Mom made that happen for us.

Pat told me about an experience she had also….. She got a beautiful oriental rug from mom. Pat placed it by the side of her bed. Mom always had strong opinions about where art should be placed. I guess she did not like where Pat placed it, because it seems like every day it ‘moved’ to the middle of the floor. Pat finally changed the spot – and it’s been quiet ever since.

 

 

 

I watch a lot of Late Night TV.  Two and a half years ago, when the unthinkable happened and  Trump was elected, it was comforting to hear these hosts give words to my opinions and capture how upset I was at that time.  Almost without precedence the late night hosts unanimously  expressed their anger and extreme frustrations at the State of OUR Union. I one hundred percent agree with them, however in the ensuing months  I started to get uneasy, and I started thinking that their anger and their contempt  almost seemed to rival the anger and contempt from our current political situation.  And while I still share these hosts’ frustrations, and beliefs about what is happening in America and with this current President, their delivery can sometimes border on the same nastiness that continuously exists in this crazy time. It is definitely not as vile or hostile as this administration and its’ supporters, yet it still seems  uncalled for.   I don’t like to see anyone, especially those in power, lashing out in anger. It’s an abuse.

I go with the old adage – you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

I am looking for people – all people – to behave decently towards others. I hate the name calling, and I hate the negativity that runs through so many.  It is ugly any way you slice it. I’m still drawn towards a softer America, a kinder America.  And looking for nicer people. We can be better than this. Let’s not drift from our humanity.

 

Then I found Trevor Noah. Actually a friend lent me his book , his autobiography – Born a Crime. It is a wonderfully compassionate book that tells the story of a ‘colored’ man growing up in South Africa towards the end of Apartheid and rising above hatred. I loved the book – and I started to YouTube Trevor Noah, and finally found a Late Night Host who shares all of the other late night hosts frustrations and yes – anger – but he expresses his feelings in a much more sensitive and thoughtful way. And he, while voicing all of our complicated feelings, gets his points across with kindness and compassion  rather than extreme  ugliness. So, for me, I can totally agree with him – yet – I don’t get as filled with anger. And I feel that he is so much more of a better person than the people he is condemning.

 

In the last 2 years I have discovered Bridge. Not only is this  a ceaselessly,  never ending learning thrill, it is an amazing experience. Learning to communicate with your partner in a new mathematical  based language;  an unbelievable exercise for your mind, and  a true life-long learning event.   I have become a learning machine when it comes to Bridge. I take classes and try to play at least 2 times a week. Is it an obsession? Maybe – but, it allows me to be in the complete moment, totally focusing on something other than myself,  and true to this blog – it is a friendship generator. I have met so many other wonderfully obsessed people who share this passion, and are so committed to improving their game and learning Bridge. I also have a wonderfully compassionate partner who is on this journey with me. Bridge,  it appears to me, trickles down to the way I live my life, the way I think, the way I want to behave and interact with others, and the way I want to totally live in the moment.  In Bridge you must be trusting and trustworthy.  You have a special language  that you maintain with  your partner, and when you promise her something you better well mean it. There is an honesty that must be enforced, and you must be able to rely on  your partner. You need to develop your level of self awareness. I believe that the purpose of life is not happiness, but rather experience and growth. Happiness comes as a natural byproduct. Here’s something else I have learned from Bridge – to be vulnerable is to be courageous. In fact there is a tremendous Ted talk by Dr. Brené Brown about the Power of Vulnerability. 

I also am grateful to have found Bridge as I get older, and dealing on a day to day basis with people – like my mother, who have started to drastically decline. I take great notice of the way they have lived their lives up to this point. Have they taken care of their bodies along with their minds? Have they interacted with people in meaningful ways? Have they continued to learn and grow and maintain interests and friends?

Interesting,  I started reading about Warren Buffett and his love of Bridge. He is  88 years old right now and of course is an unbelievable investor and mentor. But he is also aging in a way that I totally admire and hope to age that way myself.  This man does not stop. The Oracle said he enjoys the game for the intellectual stimulation. It’s neither relaxing nor tension-filled. Just good mind exercise.“It really is a game that you are never going to see the same hand twice,” Buffett said. “You can play a hand every six or seven minutes every day for the rest of your life, and you will never see the same hand. It’s a game you can enjoy when you are in your 90s, and you are seeing a different intellectual challenge every seven minutes. It’s the best exercise there is for the brain.” He seems to approach life in the same way that he approaches investing.  And he invests in himself. Reading about him I have also found that he is  kind,  considerate of others and an honest person… Traits that I value deeply in my friendships and in myself.  I’ve always wondered who I would love to meet – living or dead. Without a doubt the person I would pick now is Warren Buffett. Interested in people and the events of world.  A learning machine,  a thinker, a good friend, a moral person. Who also, it appears has a passion for life, and loves be alive. WOW. How I would love to meet him…maybe even play a hand or two of Bridge with him.

 

My mother is declining. She is  still almost  sharp mentally.   Physically; not so good. She’s 91. She lives now in Boulder at an Assisted Living facility – the Carillon. It’s nice for her – she can still have a  real full apartment that is definitely not nursing home. In the 3 years that she has lived here I have witnessed  drastic and dramatic declines in her physical and mental health, her appearance, her attitude on life. I wonder all the time abut her and her process of dying vs living. She is quiet about it, and does not really want to share her thoughts. She never has. There is not much that she wants to do anymore. She reads the New York Times cover to cover.  She stays in her lovely apartment, Her ‘friends’ are now mainly the aides that come in daily to help her get dressed and assist her with daily life. Her life is getting smaller and smaller around her. I would love her to get out more. But – I’m not even sure if she wants to get out.

And, it’s hard –

I can’t really handle her wheel chair alone and it’s very difficult to see her sometimes through this process. I’m witnessing her live her life—-> actively living vs actively dying.  Update – I have seen a major decline in her mental capacities. She is losing interest in most of life.

A great book that I re-visit from time to time is Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.

My mother never was very physical in her younger years. She always said that she exercised her brain – not her body. She never liked to sweat. I now know how important mind/body connection is. I have learned many things watching her age – most importantly NEVER STOP MOVING. At a certain point – what you don’t use ; you really loose…. and at a certain age it is impossible to get it back.

My mother taught my sister and me her philosophy of ‘More So’.

Details in your life become more so as you age.  What you were, what you liked, what you did, what you believed…. become more so. 

And I miss my Mom,

the woman  who used to enjoy theater, art, NY City, friends. She was a proud woman.  The other day I was having lunch at the Carillon with Mom. A woman passed by who was very nicely dressed and made up. Mom saw her and kind of waved.  After a few seconds Mom  reached into her purse, and took out her compact blush – and applied some on her cheeks. It absolutely made my heart melt. I told her she was beautiful. I will love her forever and think about this single gesture with tears in my eyes.  There is still a little bit of Mom in this very old and fragile woman. I find her in there at times.

Our relationship has gone from her being my caretaker to me being hers.

Yes – the Carillon provides for her needs – and keeps her safe… but it’s me that she relies on, it’s me that she depends on to be there for her. I’m stuck in life right now – waiting, waiting… I can’t leave her. 

100 Years  Five for Fighting….(turn on your sound)

 

Well, I have not written in my Blog for some time. That’s not to say that I have not thought about it often. But – life sometimes gets in the way…been travelling too…just came back from a Mystical, Magical Winter Wonderland tour to Iceland.  And yes – I did see the Northern Lights!            

Another check off my bucket list.   😍  😎

 

 

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. 

Thoughts about Transparency….  It’s so strong, not to mention healthy,  to be honest and comfortable with oneself, it’s a beautiful thing.  At this stage in life, and I do mean my stage in life,  why bother playing games, why hide behind different cloaks…this seems so heavy to me, and so ridiculous.   Invite trust, and establish oneself as an honest credible human being. Be open, be in the moment, be real, be proud, be happy, be YOU.  Be Transparent…..Be Sexy!

 

I was literally knocked off my feet last night watching  the Grammy’s on TV…. and no – Not Jennifer Lopez singing Motown – what was that all about?????  It was the stellar Brandi Carlile singing The Joke.  Her performance was stunning.   I’m not sure if you can see her performance from the Grammy’s – but, literally at the end she was so into it, she was jumping up and down.  Now that to me –  was sexy! Interesting her album that The Joke came off of is called By the Way, I Forgive you.  Forgiveness ; another concept  – Healing – going along with Transparency.

 

Been thinking a lot these days about Tikkun Olam – a Hebrew term.  Another kind of friendship. Being a true friend of the World. Translated to mean: Tikkun = repair, Olam = the world.   Repairing the world; Social Action/Social Justice.  I think the concepts can  get really overwhelming fast.   Baby Steps.  These days it seems that there is so much to do. And it is easy to get  frustrated and go back to hiding under a rock – or saying let someone else take care of this. But how about just starting. “Start Anywhere”.   How about making a small commitment every day to do good.  Pay it forward if you can. Smile at someone. Here are some descriptions of Tikkun Olam that I have found on the internet:

The Mishnah teaches that each person is an entire world. Any tikkun made in that world reverberates through all the rest of the world. Each tikkun has the potential to change everything… the way you treat others, the commitments you make to family and friends—all these are means of tikkun olam, bringing the world yet closer to its ultimate state for which it was created. 

Tikkun Olam is often used exclusively to describe acts of social justice and environmental awareness. These are certainly important, as we are all responsible to right injustice. “Silence,” goes the Talmudic edict, “is consent.” 

And it is certainly vital that we ensure the sustainability of life upon this magnificent stage of creation.

You are not required to finish the task (of repairing the world) but neither are you at liberty to desist from it. – Rabbi Akiva

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  Nelson Mandela

Last week I had the opportunity to drive down to Mexico with a friend. She has a small condo in a little fishing village on the Sea of Cortez – Bahia Kino.  My friend had recently lost her husband, and was wanting someone to take the drive with her. I volunteered thinking ‘kind of an adventure!

During the weeks leading up to our departure I was starting to feel apprehensive

concerned about the drive, driving in Mexico at all, and crossing the border, as well as dealing with some family issues.  We were both a bit apprehensive also as we had never really spent that amount of time in such close quarters together. Our get together’s were primarily a couple of hours – centered around dinner or lunch – pretty non-invasive.  This drive and trip turned out to be a fantastic and amazing time for me. It was wonderful taking the road trip with my friend and talking about our lives and loves, and getting to really know each other. We went from being surface friends to being really close friends.   

It was eye opening and liberating to be able to enjoy such a beautiful experience in so many joyful moments.

I am grateful that I was able to rock this trip, without too much preliminary agita. And, as I get older and more relaxed with myself again,  I am so happy that I still  have the ability to be open and let experiences  happen.  I would rather  look back on my life and say “I can’t believe I did that”  then to look back and say “I wish I did that”.

I’m going back to my hippie roots; taking life one day at a time; lovingly, peacefully, and joyfully.  YAY .      

I found this facebook page…love to look through the postings. Hippie Peace Freaks

 

During my torturous encounter with Nol outside of my home, one of the things that she kept screaming at me was that I had no Filter. That was funny/crazy  and actually fairly sad to me as I believe that not having a filter is  mostly a good thing.

If it’s good enough for the Stones…it’s good enough for me.

But – seriously this gets me to thinking…. As long as you’re not hurtful or mean, do you really want or even need a filter with friends? Is that a way of telling a true friend? Is that a way of being your true and authentic proud self and friend. It is important to be a good communicator, equally important to be as honest as possible. Treat people with respect.  Your best friends are the friends that have no filter. Those are the people I want in my life.   This goes hand in hand with my thoughts on transparency (more on that in a later blog). Honesty among friends is really the  best policy. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it’s not cool to hurt a friend., yet at the same time be the friend that someone can always rely on to tell the truth in the most compassionate possible way 💕   Questions that I ponder, and,  I have to ask the question – Nol’s screaming at me – still trying to figure out…was that exactly a very bad example of not having a filter?

 

 

Labeling is a such a dangerous trend that is happening more and more these days. We all have seen disturbing examples of this very recently; calling someone ‘Crooked’, ‘Stupid’, ‘Fake’ or worse. Kind of sounds like name calling – doesn’t it?  Kind of sounds like bullying? It allows someone to put another person  into a neat little box with a neat little label on it, and then it’s just simple to tie a little bow on it and walk away.  While this may be easy to do, I don’t really think that anyone can fit into a  little box.  I think we are so much more complex than that. I think we are better than that little box.  And I think it is a lazy way of dealing with complicated issues.  I think it is hurtful, harmful, dangerous and disrespectful to label another human being. Labeling can  also be a form of discrimination. It assigns a category, a stereotype, a  classification  to someone, and while that label is attached to a person or group of people there is no need or desire to delve deeper, to get to know that person, or to try to understand an individual. The damage is done in the label. I think that labeling is better left to cans and packages of food.

 

I have been blessed to have some very cool,  close friends in my life. I can not downplay the importance of these friends. These friends are family; some related by love, some related by blood.  And my life is forever enriched by my circle of friends. I am fortunate  to be able to add friends and expand  my circle.   I chose to  be inclusive rather than exclusive – and so my circle grows. I am  LUCKY.  My friends love me, renew me,  understand me, touch me. We can laugh, cry, and rejoice together.  We have each other’s  back. We save seats for each other.  We commiserate together. We watch the stars together.  We learn about space weather together.  We bike together.  We travel together. Some of us even play Bridge together.  We do all sorts of fun fabulous things together,  or not – sometimes we might just want to hang out  together.

My friends have taught me so many things;

and I am stronger because of them and I continue to learn from them. I treasure my friendships, and I trust these beautiful people with my imperfect self.

Of all my wonderful  friends,  I have 3 friends in a very special category.   They are my Sparkles . They are my heart and soul. They find me; they save me; they are totally there for me – as I am for them. I trust them with my everything and every beat of my heart.   They are warmth, love, peace, life. We relish, we comfort , we grow together.  I can not imagine my life without them.  And I’m proud to say we have NO need for FILTERS. We know the core and foundation of each other, and there is absolutely nothing that could ever be said to change this.

Although…. one of my Sparkles did once throw a lamp at me – you know who you are – but I’m certain that I did deserve this.   

 

 

 My Sparkles — forever in my life:

 

 

 

I also have Family Sparkles .  I have my daughter, my husband, and my first friend ever – my sister. These Sparkles also renew me,  and love me and stand by me. And as family,  we have a very special bond that transcends all space and time.

And sometimes they know me better than I even know myself!